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“Perfectionism,is a fear of failure”
I don’t know about you, but I grew up in a world of duality between winners & losers.
I fell in the loser category and spent most of my life there, thinking and feeling I was never good enough or never would amount to much.
The winners had all the popularity, were great at everything they did and had the Midas touch. Everything seemed to work out for them.
I, on the other hand, was overweight, shy, awkward an underachiever and lazy.
My lot in life
I came to accept this as my lot in life thus never even attempted to really try as why go against my core belief “I’m not good enough”, at 8 years old, what was a core belief, I was just odd.
My parents were professionals, Dad an architect, Mum a teacher and I did admire and were proud of them for that and thought to myself, Ill never be as good as them.
I found out I was a good swimmer by default when I was 8, as there was a swimming gala at school and the team where short one swimmer for the medley relay. So my Mum, being the teacher volunteered me. I think it was the fact that she chased me around the pool threatening to hit me with her flip flop. When I did eventually dive into the pool, we actually won the race. I think fear motivated me more than anything else. That really was the only achievement I could remember in my youth. Driven by fear.
My parents were caught up in life and never really tried to externally motivate me, as I think they thought the same about me, as I thought of myself. What is the point!! So they sent me to boarding school. If I didn’t think much about myself before, it was reinforced there. You might as well have painted a target 🎯on my backside for every bully to kick.
To get out of that shit hole, I did work my arse off, so in a strange way, it worked. Fear made sure of that, so to counter that fear and be able to escape, I did become a perfectionist, doing everything to the best of my ability to please my parents so that they could bring me home. Externally motivated by fear.
The drink did the trick
When I was a teenager I started drinking and took to it like a duck to water. Cut a long story short and by the age of 34, I was in an alcohol rehab center. After 19 years of pure mental and emotional torture, due to alcohol, I was definitely screwed up by the time I got sober.
On reflection of my life both the drinking years, before and after, I became a terrible people pleaser. It got so bad at times that I could not say no to anyone and then put myself under ridiculous pressure and would end up resenting people and even myself for not being able to say no.
Worse than that, if someone asked me to do something for them, I’d give 💯 +% for everyone else and strive for perfection, good enough was never enough for other people. Strangely I never did the same for myself as I couldn’t care less about me as I was 2nd best or less.
My way of life
This kind of behavior became a routine for me and a habit, so I never really questioned it and just took myself for granted. It was only in recovery that I did start to look at myself and all my character defects and flaws.
Why was I a perfectionist when it came to doing things for other people, and not for me? Why did I always give up at the first hurdle when it came to myself, yet for other people, I would do my utmost and if I could not achieve perfection then feel guilty and even fearful for not?
That is when it struck me that in me, perfection is not an achievement or striving to be the best at something or a positive action, it is actually running away from something that scares me and has always scared me, the fear of getting into trouble, the fear of being scolded, punished, bullied.
I started to talk to other perfectionists that I knew, about their perfectionism and as it transpired when we looked into it, they also had fear based perfectionism. Their fear was a failure of not getting it right, being judged, scolded, punished.
So to conclude on this, if all our patterns are similar, then perfectionism is derived from fear, which is negative, not love, which is positive. Now isn’t it strange that society does take a different slant on this? I was taught growing up that perfectionism was almost like Godliness, that we all had to be the best in life if we ever wanted to achieve anything. You have to be perfect or die to try. I don’t know if any of you can resonate on this, or grew up in a similar environment.
Society doesn’t help
I do feel that the school system when I was growing up had a lot to do with this whole perfectionism myth as if you did well, you were rewarded and became the teacher’s pet, and if you didn’t, you were ignored and labeled a dunce.
The advertising industry does a great job in milking perfectionism too in their adverts. If you want to be beautiful and successful, you have to have this product, otherwise, forget it, you will just be a loser if you don’t.
What is Perfectionism?
The need to be perfect.
Unfortunately for a lot of perfectionists, it is something that we can never achieve, as it is unachievable. Nature is perfect, the universal or divine order of things is perfect. We are part of that order, we are not “The order”.
Fortunately, like myself, if you are aware that your own need to be and do everything to perfection, came from a place of fear, then challenging that need is challenging your own fears, thus releasing you from pain.
Mistakes are allowed
If you didn’t make mistakes in life, how would you learn? This is true, you wouldn’t . Ask yourself this, on a day to day basis, Do you remember everything you got right or everything you got wrong? My bet is that you remember everything you got wrong. Now, this isn’t a glass half empty/ half full exercise, there is a reason why you remember what you got wrong.
Our subconscious mind is programmed to look out for the imperfections and not the perfections or it looks out for the mistakes. Now, this is not to make you feel bad, as that is only how your Ego interprets it, but it doesn’t want to make the same mistake again. Our brain is a learning machine, and it is through mistakes that it learns. If you never made mistakes and were perfect all the time, you would not learn anything and just stay stagnant.
It’s Okay to give it your best
I’m not saying that you should not try for fear of being perfect, it’s character building to try your best. I have learned in life to stick to it, be consistent, persistent & patient and never give up, until you get it done. Not out of fear, but desire and passion.
To Sum Up
Content Marketing is a prime example of how to practice consistency, patience, learn tolerance, be consistent and persistent. It is a great self-learning.
I do try to learn from my mistakes, and that is why they are little miracles in themselves that happen for a reason.
I am a growth-seeking being I will continue to seek change in myself. What motivates me is the Pain – Pleasure, which moves me away from my pain points (a lack of finances, time & peace of mind) to my pleasure points (freedom of finances, time & peace of mind).
The way I have found to achieve this freedom and to move away from the “Groundhog Day” of life is through online marketing.
I have taken this step into the abyss, I’m not tech savvy at all, and with the support of Six Figure Mentors-SFM, I am working my way through it.
The internet is here to stay and is the future for all of us, so don’t get left behind because it is gaining momentum.
Now Affiliate Marketing might not be for everyone, but my suggestion to you is to just watch the 7-day video series by the co-founders, Stuart & Jay, and decide from there.
The video series is free, very interesting and will show you, at least, just what opportunities are available online. I’ll leave you to decide.
I wish you a happy day, Take Care.
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